About Me

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Very Small Town. No really. Don't even try to look., Alberta, Canada
I am a stay at home mother of 2 boys. I try to keep total and complete command of this kingdom. I reign tall! But they are very are skilled little ninjas waiting to take me out at any available opportunity. You would think I would learn my lesson. I don't. Every day, I return. Everyday they kick ass.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Twas the month before Christmas

Twas the Month before Christmas
and we were all in

Everyone was stiring
Even the chin

The stockings were hung by the tree with care
I pray to dog Large Fry leaves them there

The Mr has gone after milk for the babe
To ensure to all that my sanity is saved

As Small Fry lunges for the glass reindeer
I really wish he had bought more beer

And I sit here shopping, playing Santa Claus
The damn dog runs in with mud on her paws

The children are psycho, refusing bed
While visions of wine glasses dance in my head

Out on the lawn falls new fallen snow
I think to myself "Wow, Christmas stress really blows".

When in the living room arose such a clatter
I haul my ass off the computer to see what is the matter

When what in front of me should I see
Small Fry is taking a gigantic pee

The Large Fry is shrieking to my best guess
"Oh My God Mommy! Small Fry took a piss!'

I knew in that moment that wine was bliss

With me on the steamer
I realize I am quite the dreamer

I wish it was me calling out into the night
Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT

17 Things I learned on a car trip to Texas and back

So back in late October me and the Mr decided we were cheap ass motherfuckers and didn't want to pay for air travel to the Great State of Texas (GSOT) so we thus made the plan to drive.

We were high in spirits, we had a FIVE STEP PLAN for any and all complaints/problems. It was foolproof.

We might need to be tested for insanity.

So bright and early we wake up, load the Fries and start south to northern Texas. Here is where my education started.

1. No matter how many times he went before we left, Large Fry will always have to pee the moment we leave the city limits. There is nothing between us and the next stop and it's below zero outside. Subjected to "I have to PEE!" every 3 minutes for 2 hours.

2. The above wailing will wake up Small Fry. He then clues in that he is TRAPPED in the SEAT OF DOOM. Cue wailing until he is given a straw. A STRAW!

3. Gravity doesn't exist while sitting in the carseat. How else can Small Fry make a poo that goes up his back and OVER his shoulders?

4. Babies can scream for hours. No seriously.

5. You can somewhat drown it out by reciting the alphabet backwards to yourself. With a French accent.

6. If and when (and only when) they both, together, settle down for a car nap I will suddenly have to pee. They will then wake up when the car starts

7. Horses and cows are the same. Don't try to argue! They ARE THE SAME. For THREE FUCKING STATES I saw Corses or Hows. Whatever child..whatever.

8. Fuzz can arf. Loudly. To the tune of Jingle Bells+Baby Got Back. It was..interesting. So it was kind of like "Arfy got back ARF ARF ARF! ARFFY ALL THE WAY!"

9. Not every bathroom between Alberta and GSOT has a changing table. So the floor had to do and was NOT acceptable to Small Fry. I still have bruises from tiny feet drop kicking me in the gut.

10. If raptors attack in North Dakota you are all fucked. It's been declared not raptor safe. Sorry Erin!

11. I've never wished any ill will towards Thomas the Train. Until now. He can go right off Action Canyon and never come back. 2 days of non stop Thomas. TWO DAYS!

12. Large Fry gets pissed off when I can't command the rain to stop.

13. Large Fry gets even more pissed when we can't FIND A WENDYs. McDonald's is a POOR substitue. We heard about it ALL the way across Montana. All.the.way.

14. Bottles, when thrown from the exact right angle, can hit one in the head that feels like a cannon ball. Seriously. Even Tylenol didn't fix me up.

15. Going both ways, Small Fry decided he had ENOUGHENOUGHENOGH when we were exactly 45 minutes from our destination. How did he know? What was his signal? Thus making the FINAL 45 minutes T-Total Hell. I mean the ninth degree of hell, Hell in a handbasket, Hell on wheels and Going to Hell all rolled together.

16. When Large Fry has deduced that we are in Wyoming and he has forgotten BLACK FUZZ! Dear dog..the memories...

17. Hotels are breeding grounds for children not sleeping. Not until 3 am when they finally figured out that we are NOT going back home.

There are more. Many many more. But to be honest it's all a blur. A blur of "Are we there yet/I have to pee/BLACK FUZZ/WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH/arf/Thomasandhisfriends/WAAAAAAAAAAAH/DADDY! I said NO AIR!/and well..yeah. I got an education.

Turns out you can put a price on sanity. About $3400 covers it.