Where have I been?

Where have I been since last September? That's a good question! So much has went down so let me recap you really fast so we can get on to more important things, like ass kicking. Mine, not theirs.

1. Large Fry finished Kindergarden. I know, believe me no one is more surprised that I have a child that is about to start 1st Grade. A small, feisty one who is absolutely smarter than I am and is getting better at proving it. I am going to have to up my game on this kid. He's catching on to my tricks, developing tricks of his own, and generally at the end of it I'm ready for a drink. A big one with a Valium on the side. A lawyer in training, he will argue with ANYTHING just to argue, to see if he can wear you down, and generally he does. That's where the valium on the side comes in. He's also obsessed with butterflies these days. BUTTERFLIES. I know more about butterflies than I ever thought I'd want to know.

2. Small Fry has learned to talk. He wants to talk. About.Everything. I mean EVERYTHING. "Does Nana have a weewee?" We talk about weewees a lot. And poop. And he throws in an occasional "Oh SHIT!" or "Damn thing". He's a very honest little talker, very direct. He doesn't mince words. He's becoming very skilled in tossing curse words into everyday conversation. It's almost like listening to a tiny potty mouthed truck driver. Who hits. He will be skilled at bar fights by the time he is 5.

3. I'm pretending to be a grown up. True story. Groom and I are even in the process of house buying. No shit. Again, no one is more surprised than I am. I think I walk around with a perpetual look of surprise these days. "Is that me? A grown up? With a MORTGAGE and a JOB and FRIES?" I look quizzical most days I'm sure. We even have a lawyer. That's right. I can toss that phrase into conversation to make me seem like a celebrity or someone VERY FUCKING important NOT to be fucked with.

Me:"Is this fruit fresh?"
Fruit Boy:"I'm not certain"
Me: "Well, I will just have to call my lawyer about this..."

My lawyer has advised me not to call about fruit disputes. Or marital disputes on whose turn it is to change a diaper.

I think it's working. And if not, the quizzical expression I have should steer people away.

4. Yup. I have a job. Being a nosy bitch in the community, I mean a reporter. It is quite honestly the best job I've ever had. Being paid to nose around in other people's business? Why yes! I think I will! I told the paper I wanted a nose on my business card. Nose for News. They were not with it and have declined. I will keep you updated on this. I will fight for the nose.

5. My parents are here. They are getting an up close dosage of The Fries.

6. There are FOUR dogs in the house right now. I spend a lot of time dust mopping. Over and over.

7. It's glorious SUMMER.

So that's really it for now. I will update better. I promise. Unless there is wine involved. In which case I will update but no guarantees it will be better.

To my Large Fry on his 5th Birthday

Dear Large Fry,

Today is September 28th. In one month you will be five years old. Five. Is that possible? Have you grown that much? I know you like to hear of when you were born so here is a recap. I remember the day you were born. You were the strongest, scariest, tiniest mad baby I had ever seen. Such a fighter. So noisy.

As you grew you got bigger and nosier. And louder. For someone so small you sure can be so very loud. I remember sitting in the hospital thinking what we would do if we ever left this place. What you would grow to be like.

In my dreams I never thought you would look so much like me.

I sit and watch and wonder what you will be when you grow up, what paths in life you will take. You have been given a challenge. You told me the other day "Aspsberrger isn't my name Mommy. It's not me.". It's a word you hear a lot isn't? You have refused to let it own you. You have friends, you are popular, you are managing life with love and laughter. You are one of the most amazing people I know and I admire the kind of person you are turning into. Not the baby I once held in my arms, but the little person.

I know sometimes we fight. Sometimes you don't think I am a good Mommy. I know sometimes I make you cry. I hate those moments. Always remember that I only do those things because I do love you and I want what is best for you. Mommies, just like Pies, make mistakes too.

I'll end this with the poem I know you love so much:

I am your PARENT, you are my CHILD

I am your QUIET PLACE, you are my WILD

I am your CALM FACE, you are my GIGGLE

I am your WAIT, you are my WIGGLE

I am your DINNER, you are my CHOCOLATE CAKE

I am your BEDTIME, you are my WIDE AWAKE

I am your LULLABY, you are my PEEKABOO

I am your GOODNIGHT KISS, you are my I LOVE YOU

Shitty Day

Ever have one of those days? This day was shit.

Small Fry freaked out all day. ALLL day. Did I mention all day? Because it was all day.

All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day. All day.

My taco bean salad was crappy. I looked forward to it all morning only to be disappointed. It was mediocre at best. It tasted nothing like what I imagined it would. It was suppose to be spicy, lettuce, crunchy perfection. Food from the Gods as I pat myself on the back and assured myself that I was a fitness fanatic with my healthy lunch. Instead it was boring, soggy, and limp and I would have cut a bitch for a bacon cheeseburger.

Dinner was no better. The hot dog wrapped in bread was vastly superior to whatever that was that I thought I made. My "creation" was shittacular at best. One could almost have used it as a weapon against baddies.

CIA Agent: I can make you talk

Baddie: NEVAR!

CIA Agent: Oh yes. Talk or you have to eat...THIS!

Baddie!! AHHHHH

*DUM DUM DUM*

Take my word for it. It was horrible. So finally, finally bedtime comes. I have something to be excited over. It's my daily date night with Agent Hotchner (rawr) and a peanut buster parfait (I can hear you judging me. I don't care).

I am sliding my new Criminal Minds Season 6 into the DVD player when I hear Small Fry. He's stirring, he's fussy. So I go to check and sure enough he smells foul. So I bring him to the bed to do a quick assessment. He needs changing. It's late.

I get the diaper off and for whatever reason I keep it to the side. Usually I wrapped the diaper up tightly and set it to the side. For whatever reason I did not do this. I suck. In one quick, seamless motion Small Fry grabs the diaper and flings it at me. I manage to sidestep the open face diaper and it hits the floor.

Did it land face up or face down? Please let it be face up. Please please please. I don't want to mop. I don't want to clean the floor. I just want to put child to bed, diaper in the trash and continue with my date with Hotch.

This was a one- step solution. I lost my balance and stepped right into the open face diaper.

oh my God no no no no no Oh my God no no no no no no no no Oh my God no no no no no no no Oh My God no no no no no no no no Oh my God no no no

Hands are on the bed. Foot is in one shitty diaper, wiggling baby, and I am missing Hotch and my husband looks up and says

"Damn. That's shitty."

DieDieDieDIeDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDieDie

I'm living with Jaws

Small Fry turned 2 this past week and with that he's gained a whole new identity.

I use to think he was a meat eating dinosaur. He had the keen sense of when to strike, when to hold back, and when would make the most impact.

I've now decided he's a direct descendant of Jaws. You remember Jaws?

This is what I'm living with. Teeth and all.

He bit me on the ass recently.

It was a picture perfect day. The sun was shining. Birds were out crapping on people's vehicles. Large Fry was at school hopefully doing something besides picking locks (he does that). I was on the phone to the insurance company trying to settle our policy for the new truck (can open... worms everywhere) when Jaws rounded the corner.

Now I was ass deep in forms and policy numbers and I had stood up to get a pen. I heard the high pitched wails of "I am here! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! ME ME ME!". I admit, I ignored them. I figured he was right behind me. What harm could he do?

Bad move.

I turned my back on him.

I was in the process of writing down a number when it struck. Without warning (or at least without a decent warning in my opinion) Mouth wide, Jaws launched his teeth on my ass. All teeth sank in unison form into (in my opinion, again, a pretty sweet) ass.

Jaws latched on. And didn't let go. Tears formed in my eyes. I could not help myself. I squealed out "Holy Mother of God!" I think I said the word fuck. I can't remember. All I know is at that time I had the phone to one ear and a 2 year old attached to my ass. Literally. He was not letting go. Shaking wasn't the answer. Neither was running. So I stood there and took it.

The lady on the phone stopped her speech. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm crazy. And perhaps trying to convert her.

Finally, finally he let up. The tooth impressions are still on my ass cheek. A reminder why you never, ever ignore Jaws. And why I always stand with my back to the wall now.

*insert Jaws Theme*

I haven't updated...

In fucking forever. Why? Because I suck. Or better yet because my children are vastly draining all my Give A Fuck and leaving me limp in the kitchen with a spatula whimpering to myself while they totter off singing voodoo songs.

They are savages. They are sharks that smell the blood of a wounded animal. A wildcat that sees prey. A hawk against a fish. Me against Pizza Hut. It's a vicious, never ending cycle of them vs me and I always loose. Always.

You would think after 5 and 2 years respectively, they would let me win just once. Is that so much to ask?

What has happened you ask? What are the Fries up too? No good.

I won't bore with the details..but I'll try to update more often. Pinky swear and all that. Cross my heart and hope to die.

How nonresponsible people get their children to eat

Large Fry doesn't eat. Or rather, Large Fry doesn't eat very well. If the child could sustain life on strawberries, chocolate milk, and cheese he would. Within the last few months, creative minds have been to work in getting more into the child. It could be compared how men helped Apollo 13 fix their shit before returning to work.

"Men, we have these objects before us. How do we construct this into something Large Fry will eat and sustain life? We have this and only this and we have 1 hour to get it done. No is not an option here people."

No is usually what I get anyways. But I give it my all. It's not my fault it all crashes and burns. Metaphorically speaking of course.

In the last month alone these tricks have been tried:

Reverse psychology

"I bet Large Fry CAN'T eat all that! I don't think he even CAN!"

Large Fry: Mommy, we shouldn't bet.

Flattery

"Look how big and strong you will get if you eat ALL your dinner Large Fry!"

Large Fry: So?

Blackmail

"If you don't eat that you won't get a bedtime show!"

*cue overreaction alert and up until fuck o' clock with tears and mass hysteria*

Fear

"Large Fry if you don't start eating you will have to go the hospital and get a POKEY! It will hurt! If you eat, you don't get pokies"

Large Fry: "I will take YOU to the hospital and get a pokey. I DON'T LIKE POKIES!"

Begging

"Please Large Fry? Just one bite? One bite for me? Please, please, please???"

*blank stare*

Dramatic cries

PLEASE KID? PLEASE WILL YOU JUST EAT? ONE BITE! ONE GOD DAMN LITTLE TEENY TINY BITE?

"Mommy...quit yelling or you will go to time out.."

But the most responsible moment came when his Nana told him

"Large Fry, if you eat you can get big and say curse words like shit and fuck."

Large Fry: "Really?! REALLY?? If I eat ALL my food, I can grow and say shit and fuck??"

*cleans plate*

And that's how to get your kid to eat responsibly people.

Memorable Quotes from Large Fry

While on our visit to Texas Large Fry is sleeping with his Nana and Pawpaw. Tonight a simple gem as told from Nana.

Nana comes to the back bedroom to find Large Fry with his hands in a certain place if you know what I mean. Nana asks him why he has his hands down his undies. Large Fry replies "I'm trying to tell the temperature of it."

PawPaw and Large Fry and to a degree Small Fry were having a fight in the living room. You could hear Large Fry screaming from all areas of the house "PAWPAW! You give me my purse back RIGHT.NOW or I'm going to FART on you! Now hold still so I can fart! Don't move!"

What a mixture of sensitive man and all boy with the purse and the farting. Every woman's dream.

Ever so often when Large Fry has done something (no telling what) to one or both of his grandparents you can hear him giggle and proclaim "What a laugh!"

And as always, when he want his way he tells PawPaw "Suck it up princess!"