About Me

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Very Small Town. No really. Don't even try to look., Alberta, Canada
I am a stay at home mother of 2 boys. I try to keep total and complete command of this kingdom. I reign tall! But they are very are skilled little ninjas waiting to take me out at any available opportunity. You would think I would learn my lesson. I don't. Every day, I return. Everyday they kick ass.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Does this shit only happen to me?

Seriously? Does it? Do I have some sort of "Fucked up situation" beacon on my back that allows for some twisted universe beam to laser me at any available opportunity? For laughs? For shits and giggles? So somewhere, someone can sip on a beer (or whatever the beverage choices are up in Who Knows Where) and mock me as I try to regain control of a hopeless situation?

It started out oh so simple. The grocery store. It's a simple mission. I needed bread and milk. BREAD and MILK. This should be easy enough right? But as past incidents have demonstrated, nothing ever goes easy.

As ingrained into me long ago, I grab a Cola from the cooler as I make my way into the store. This is a long established routine I got from my mother. It seems neither me or her can walk into a grocery store and NOT grab a drink. So I grabbed a 20 oz Cola and I sit it into the cart where Small Fry is sitting up front in the driver's seat, looking cute, and grinning from ear-to-ear at people are walking by. It's the perfect set up for browsing. Calm child, cool drink, and nothing to do but browse to kill time.

During this time Small Fry has noticed the bottle but thinks nothing of it. He's picked it up. He's looked at it. But he's really not impressed and continues to people watch. It's PERFECT. I almost feel smug. "Ha di ha. See my perfectly content baby you assholes? See? He CAN be good."

As we enter the line to check out, I'm gazing lustfully at a bag of Jalapeno Doritos when it hits the fan. Oh literally. Small Fry shrieks, grabs the (unopened) cola, gives it 3 or 4 very fast shakes, and literally hurls it to the ground at rapid speeds. Now this is where it gets scientific: The angle to which the bottle hit the ground was dead on, causing the lid to spew and the bottle to rotate on the ground while spewing cola. An exact replica of the Pepsi Incident of 2007* that occured with Large Fry in my kitchen.

But instead of the privacy of my kitchen, it's the line of the grocery store. And in this instance instead of only me getting spewed, it's other people in the matter of 20 seconds. And once I finally grab the rotating bottle of spew and pick it up (which it's still spewing) I've drenched myself in cola. Small Fry has not one drop on him. The lady in front of me has it up her pants. The man behind me has it all over his carry cart of groceries. The kid running the till doesn't know if he wants to laugh or cry at the huge mess that has befallen his till. It's all over the rack of candy, the till and the floor. It's just...everywhere.

I have no words. I'm shrieking and apologizing and scolding all at the same time so it's really just me flapping my arms around a fizzing bottle of cola all the while trying to make sense of the situation before me. I probably resembled a dodo bird before extinction:

Dodo Me: What to do?! What to do?! Maybe I should just flap around and wait for a suggestion or help to fall from the sky!

Oh wait a second! I see! I see..oh nothing. Just my child getting the better of me. Again. No wonder velociraptors ate other raptor eggs. I'm beginning to see their logic.

And the entire time, Small Fry has clapped his hands and cheered screeching babble that I'm sure translates into something similar to "Ha ha smug Mother. NEVER doubt me! Ever!!"

I never will again. For all I know we are banned from that particular store by now.

1 comment:

  1. This is equal parts horrible and hysterical! Hopefully the people who got sprayed could see the humor in it. I'm fairly certain it would have made me laugh!