This is what I learned:
Never let Small Fry sit on your face. He will fart. It will stink.
It takes 1 minute 13 seconds for two little boys to flood the bathroom. Twice.
Small Fry will climb into the shower with you while you are not looking (and singing an incredible version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" and point and giggle. I'm not sure if he was giggling at me or my singing. I am going to save dignity and say singing.
Large Fry will run down a dirt road chasing a bug with his pee all the while singing "SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! PEES WHEREVER A SPIDER CAN!"
Small Fry will take my hairbrush when I am not looking and dunk it in the toilet. I wonder how many times this has happened without me knowing?
Random Stranger: Love the shine to your hair! What product do you use?
Me: Toilet Duck.
Small Fry, do you want food? No. Juice? No. Bed? No. Me to jump into a volcano? YEAH!
Thanks dude. I'll get right on that.
They like to hide noisy motion detected *toys in my laundry baskets. When I am unloading the laundry I get a variety of assorted noises guaranteed to make me pee my pants because it scares the shit out of me.
*Today it was a laughing moose with a hideous giggle that sounds like a serial killer on Prozac.
I took a nap one day. Possible the dumbest thing I've done this month. Or damn close to it. I woke up to the bathroom locked. I unlocked it to find my doors chained, the bathtub full of toys, and the toilet taped shut. Monsters you see, were coming out of the bathroom and he was protecting me.
Sweet kid. It took me an hour to de-tape the shitter so it could be used.
Large Fry in the middle of the grocery store:
Large Fry: Mommy, what the fuck is that?
Me: It's a roasted chicken and we don't say fuck.
Large Fry: We say fuck off instead?
Me: Let's stop talking now okay?
I'm so happy Small Fry cannot talk yet. I am afraid of what he will think of to say.
This isn't as funny as I wanted it to be, but honestly I'm tapped out of brains. These kids, they are like zombies. They eat my brains until there isn't anything left and trust me when I say there wasn't much left to begin with. Consider this a highlight reel--there was TWO WEEKS with them and NOTHING to do but drive me crazy. Mission completion.