About Me

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Very Small Town. No really. Don't even try to look., Alberta, Canada
I am a stay at home mother of 2 boys. I try to keep total and complete command of this kingdom. I reign tall! But they are very are skilled little ninjas waiting to take me out at any available opportunity. You would think I would learn my lesson. I don't. Every day, I return. Everyday they kick ass.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Where have I been?

Where have I been since last September? That's a good question! So much has went down so let me recap you really fast so we can get on to more important things, like ass kicking. Mine, not theirs.

1. Large Fry finished Kindergarden. I know, believe me no one is more surprised that I have a child that is about to start 1st Grade. A small, feisty one who is absolutely smarter than I am and is getting better at proving it. I am going to have to up my game on this kid. He's catching on to my tricks, developing tricks of his own, and generally at the end of it I'm ready for a drink. A big one with a Valium on the side. A lawyer in training, he will argue with ANYTHING just to argue, to see if he can wear you down, and generally he does. That's where the valium on the side comes in. He's also obsessed with butterflies these days. BUTTERFLIES. I know more about butterflies than I ever thought I'd want to know.

2. Small Fry has learned to talk. He wants to talk. About.Everything. I mean EVERYTHING. "Does Nana have a weewee?" We talk about weewees a lot. And poop. And he throws in an occasional "Oh SHIT!" or "Damn thing". He's a very honest little talker, very direct. He doesn't mince words. He's becoming very skilled in tossing curse words into everyday conversation. It's almost like listening to a tiny potty mouthed truck driver. Who hits. He will be skilled at bar fights by the time he is 5.

3. I'm pretending to be a grown up. True story. Groom and I are even in the process of house buying. No shit. Again, no one is more surprised than I am. I think I walk around with a perpetual look of surprise these days. "Is that me? A grown up? With a MORTGAGE and a JOB and FRIES?" I look quizzical most days I'm sure. We even have a lawyer. That's right. I can toss that phrase into conversation to make me seem like a celebrity or someone VERY FUCKING important NOT to be fucked with.

Me:"Is this fruit fresh?"
Fruit Boy:"I'm not certain"
Me: "Well, I will just have to call my lawyer about this..."

My lawyer has advised me not to call about fruit disputes. Or marital disputes on whose turn it is to change a diaper.

I think it's working. And if not, the quizzical expression I have should steer people away.

4. Yup. I have a job. Being a nosy bitch in the community, I mean a reporter. It is quite honestly the best job I've ever had. Being paid to nose around in other people's business? Why yes! I think I will! I told the paper I wanted a nose on my business card. Nose for News. They were not with it and have declined. I will keep you updated on this. I will fight for the nose.

5. My parents are here. They are getting an up close dosage of The Fries.

6. There are FOUR dogs in the house right now. I spend a lot of time dust mopping. Over and over.

7. It's glorious SUMMER.

So that's really it for now. I will update better. I promise. Unless there is wine involved. In which case I will update but no guarantees it will be better.

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