I use to think he was a meat eating dinosaur. He had the keen sense of when to strike, when to hold back, and when would make the most impact.
I've now decided he's a direct descendant of Jaws. You remember Jaws?
This is what I'm living with. Teeth and all.
He bit me on the ass recently.
It was a picture perfect day. The sun was shining. Birds were out crapping on people's vehicles. Large Fry was at school hopefully doing something besides picking locks (he does that). I was on the phone to the insurance company trying to settle our policy for the new truck (can open... worms everywhere) when Jaws rounded the corner.
Now I was ass deep in forms and policy numbers and I had stood up to get a pen. I heard the high pitched wails of "I am here! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! ME ME ME!". I admit, I ignored them. I figured he was right behind me. What harm could he do?
Bad move.
I turned my back on him.
I was in the process of writing down a number when it struck. Without warning (or at least without a decent warning in my opinion) Mouth wide, Jaws launched his teeth on my ass. All teeth sank in unison form into (in my opinion, again, a pretty sweet) ass.
Jaws latched on. And didn't let go. Tears formed in my eyes. I could not help myself. I squealed out "Holy Mother of God!" I think I said the word fuck. I can't remember. All I know is at that time I had the phone to one ear and a 2 year old attached to my ass. Literally. He was not letting go. Shaking wasn't the answer. Neither was running. So I stood there and took it.
The lady on the phone stopped her speech. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm crazy. And perhaps trying to convert her.
Finally, finally he let up. The tooth impressions are still on my ass cheek. A reminder why you never, ever ignore Jaws. And why I always stand with my back to the wall now.
*insert Jaws Theme*
No comments:
Post a Comment