Sometimes I think my kids are trying to have me declared legally insane. Not in the typical Stewie Griffin style--Oh no. They are not interested in tripping me down the stairs. They are more stuble. Their Weapons of Choice on this mission are: Treehouse and Playhouse Disney.
They wake up and grab their stuffed bears to hear "Small Fry, Large Fry: Your assignment should you accept: Drive your mother crazy with horrible cartoons. Your special assignment: Watch these cartoons until your mother is in a straight jacket muttering to herself in a corner."
The Fries: ASSIGNMENT ACCEPTED!
I'm unsuspecting. As usual.
The day starts off alright. Mickey Mouse is cool. Donlad irritates the fuck out of me but I can live. I really want to steam roast him in my slow cooker and serve with a nice bolganase sauce. But alas, he's on my TV bitching and quacking about something. Mickey gets a pass because he sings and I like Pluto. Plus I really do like doing the Hot Dog Dance.
Next is Handy Manny. I like this show. I think Handy Manny and Kelly have some serious sexual tension. So I spend the majority of the time watching, waiting for Kelly to throw Manny down and ride him. She'll give him what he needs alright. I bet she could too. I watch and wait. it hasn't happened yet but I'm sure it will.
I'm a twisted chick. Maybe I need that straight jacket after all.
Thomas the Train- I am told Thomas is going to kick my ass. Why? I don't know. But he is. When I am least expecting it, he is going to roll up and put the whoop up on my ass. Large Fry tells me so. Isn't Thomas suppose to be the nice engine? What's his beef with me? I live in fear of my own house because Thomas is EVERYWHERE. I mean it. He's on the walls, the floor, the bathtub. I'm not safe. I can't even look the little bastard in the eye anymore. He has me on edge.
Plus he doesn't fight fair. You KNOW it will be him and "all his friends". Pussy. He won't even come fight me alone. He's gonna roll up with his posse. I'm screwed.
Caliou- Now here is a little whinny bitch. I mean really. Can this kid do ANYTHING? He is a whiny, bratty little boygirl. It took me a few episodes to realize he WAS a boy. And he's always bitching. Bitching about how "Mommy" and "Daddy" (If you want to call him that. Dad is about as girly as it gets). I just want to give this kid a swirly in the toilet and tell him to put on a pair of mini manties.
Wonder Pets- "Wonder Pets wonder pets we're on the waaaaaaay. To help the Fries kick Mom's ass todaaaaaaay. We're not to big and we're not to tough but when we sing this song over and over until Mom reaches for the gun... we got the right stuff. YAY WONDER PETS"
I just want to grill the gerbil and serve him on toast. I find him the creepiest and the most annoying. Plus he's the ring leader. It's HIS fault the Wonder Pets exist. To annoy me with their gawddamn songs that get stuck in my head. So I'm singing "The phone! The phone is ringing! There's an.." and there ARE NO CHILDREN IN THE ROOM!
Obviously their plan is working. I'm already talking to myself. That's the first step.
Max and Ruby- Now Groom would like to roast of Ruby. He really hates her. Isn't she a bossy little bitch of a rabbit? Just let Max do shit! Just let him! And also, where the fuck are their parents? Ruby is running that show. All I see is her bossing poor Max around. One day he's going to grow up. And then she won't be bossing him around. He will out run her. She will be food one day. All because she didn't let Max play with his firetruck.
Dora the Explorer and Diego- Diego, he's cool. Plus he's kinda cute. I can imagine he would grow up to be pretty hot. But Dora? WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? I am standing no less than 3 FEET away from you. No wonder Swiper always finds you. You suck at hiding. I wouldn't want to go into trench warfare with you. You would give us away by yelling "WHERE'S THE MAP?!" And then that motherfucker shows up and sings his annoying ass song "I'm the map, I'm the map, I'M THE MAAAAAAAAP"
*boom* We are dead. Only because you can't shut your fucking trap Dora.
4 Corners- I only watch this show because I picture the people involved having sex with each other. I bet Rufus has nailed every chick on that show. They wear leotards. I've seen what he has to offer. Dude is blessed. I get through the ridiculous DoWahs by picturing sordid sex acts between characters. I'm likely going straight to hell. Where they will likely make me watch this show without picturing sordid sex acts.
So that's their plan. Come visit me in SunnySide Funneh Farm. I'll be the one in the corner with the wild hair and straight jacket. Muttering to herself that she should have turned the fucking tv off instead of turning it on to save her sanity. It's the reverse effect the Fries were counting on.
And then they win.