Let me explain.
Today was a normal average Sunday. Apart from being Father's Day, it is a regular ol day. I have needed to travel to Walmart for a while now to return an impact socket set to Canadian Tire. Don't get me started on why it was wrong or needed to be returned. But it did.
I get up this morning and like a burst of energy it hits me. "We can go! Spend the day! Enjoy each other!" Me and the kids that is. The Groom is hard at work. Preperations are made. I even have on bra and panties that match. I did my hair and put on makeup. The Fries are in cute clothing. And we are off.
The trip down is uneventful. It's an hour drive and if you like looking at trees, there is plenty to look at. Tree..tree..Oh look..tree. Oh. Another tree.
We arrive at Walmart. This is where the story gets complicated. Pull up a cup of tea. Pay attention.
What you need to know before you read any farther is that Large Fry assess any building for raptor entry. This is probably genetic because I do the same thing. Walmart? Not so great. Large Fry formulated this attack:
So we go in. And he invents this game of "hiding from the raptors". Awe.some. He's distracted and I'm able to shop in peace. I can even browse the big girl clothes because Large Fry is looking for raptors and Small Fry is eating the handle of the shopping cart.
So we make our way to the toys. I allow each of them to pick something. Both of them did and also zoned in on this...thing. This $12 toy that is not even close to being worth $12. And I'm cheap. I mean really cheap. So my plan was to put it in the cart and distract them with other things and discretly remove said Thing from the cart. Because I really didn't want to pay $12 for it.
We go to check out. The lines are long. I mean really long. What was I thinking going to Walmart on Father's Day again? So we are at the end of this giant line when Large Fry suddenly shouts 'OH MOMMY! A RAPTOR! A RAPTOR!"
Me: Cool! What do we do with the raptor!
Large Fry: Mommy! We need to make it go away! We need to give it something! IT NEEDS TO GO AWAY!
Me: Okay! What do we give the raptor?
Large Fry: Brother's Pee pee! BROTHER'S PEE PEE! Quick Mommy! Give it to the raptor!
Me: Uh. No. No we can't do that. Brother wants to keep his penis, Large Fry.
Large Fry: BUT MOMMY! WE HAVE TO! WE HAVE TO! YOU GIVE THAT RAPTOR BROTHER'S PEE PEE OR I WILL DIE!
By this time..heads are turning and I can't tell if the smiles are normal smiles or "I'm calling CPS" on your smiles.
Me In a low voice: No Large Fry. We cannot give the raptor your brother's penis. That is not a nice thing to do to brother
Large Fry: Wellll..Okay Mommy. How about we give it YOUR penis?
Me: Oh silly boy. I don't have a penis
Large Fry: Yes huh! You tell Daddy yours was bigger.
Now is when a huge hole should have opened up and relieved me of my misery. People turned and looked. Even the cashier.
By this time Small Fry has recieved signal that his penis is on the line. And he has noticed that I discretly tried to put the $12 toy away. He reaches for it and waails. And wails. And wails. Did I mention he wailed? Yeah.
So I bought this for $12. And that's how I sold my santiy to get the fuck out of Walmart.