About Me

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Very Small Town. No really. Don't even try to look., Alberta, Canada
I am a stay at home mother of 2 boys. I try to keep total and complete command of this kingdom. I reign tall! But they are very are skilled little ninjas waiting to take me out at any available opportunity. You would think I would learn my lesson. I don't. Every day, I return. Everyday they kick ass.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Revenge is a dish best served cold

Like about 12 years. I'm tired. SO.FUCKING.TIRED.

Not tired of anything. Just tired. My children do not sleep at night. Period. It's 9:15. Large Fry is squeaking to high heaven that Fuzz has insulted him thus keeping up Small Fry who is just shaking his crib in hopes of it collapsing and gaining freedom.

It's like this all night. When they finally, finally fall asleep I can stagger into my bed. It's a sight. My hair is frizzed out. The bags under my eyes could be considered extra baggage on airlines. I'd have to pay an extra $50 just to load with these bags. My bra? I have no idea where it is. Hell, I have no idea where anything is half the time.

Don't be fooled. Quiet doesn't mean sleeping. It's usually declared by me to be "resting". My children don't sleep. BWHA! Such notions you have. they rest. Only to wake up howling for some injustice that has befallen them. Such as

Small Fry: WAH! My bottle is empty! WAH! HOW DARE THIS OCCUR! WAH!

Large Fry: OMFG! Thje bathroom light is off! WHY? You promised it would STAY ON FOREVER!!

Small Fry: Hey! Hey Ma! I've thus taken a shit. It's..what? 2:24 A.M. That's good timing right? RIGHT? Come! Relief my bottom from this rank smell.

Large Fry: MOOMMY! My FUZZY! He's..He's..3 inches on the ground! HELP!!

Small Fry: Help! I'm being oppressed by this blanket! No, seriously! Help! It's trying to get me! WAH!

Large Fry: MOMMMY!!! I want a SHOW!!! It's only 4:30 A.M! PLEASE?! SHOW! NOW! What? No show? I'm gonna throw my water bottle then. *thud*

Finally..all does go quiet. It's somewhere in the 5 am-6 am range. And the alarm goes off at 7. Motherfucker.

So I have a plan. It's a beautiful plan. It involves me, teenagers, and their precious sleep.

The Plan
**12 years in the future**
Get Teenager and Pre-Teenager to stay awake. This is key to my plan. They must stay up late on a school night. Perhaps I will entice them with a video game or a movie.

Watch Teen and Pre-teen stumble to their room(s) for a night of slumber.

Retire to my room

Have a alarm clock handy and in timed intervals start screaming and banging pots and pans randomly. Run in and spray water in their faces. Run out. Set alarms to go off in their room(s) hidden to the untrained eye. Shine a spotlight in the room. And various other acts of no good ALL.NIGHT.LONG.

Wake children up at 7 am. Tell them it's time to get ready to go to school. Escort children to school. Come home. Sleep all day.


Revenge. It's best served cold.

1 comment:

  1. Payback is a bitch. Hope the fries are ready for it! :D